Gender Mixing

Recently the two of us spent some time in the company of a Jordanian man and woman who were not related to each other in any way. This may sound unremarkable to you, but as far as I can remember, this was just the second time in our two years here that we have spent time in a mixed gender social setting in which the mixed genders present were not related. This is indicative of the segregated nature of Jordanian society. Men and women don't mix much, and when they do, often times they are related.

It is this segregation of the sexes that creates vexing problems for me sometimes. For instance, even after two years in our apartment building, I still would not recognize two out of the three Jordanian women who live here if I ran into them on the street. I've had conversations with them, but only through the closed doors of their apartments when I've come to ask a question of their husbands. Hence, I have no idea what they look like.

A further issue occurs when I see women on our street that I have seen outside before and know live nearby. My instinct is to be friendly, to say a simple hello, perhaps engage in small talk, and move on. This is what I would do at home, and perhaps after a time we would move on from small talk to something more meaningful. Here, though, such friendliness would be considered somewhat forward, and who knows who might be looking down on me from their upstairs window? As a result, if I happen to cross paths with a women, usually I just put my head down and keep walking. This even troubles me, though, when I come across women I do know. Recently I happened to be at the falafal shop nearby when a women from church came in. I talk to her at church, and she has been to our home more than once. However, because of the stigma that surrounds gender mixing here, I was unsure of how to acknowledge her presence. I wanted to greet her, but I didn't want to appear too friendly in front of all the guys at the falafal shop. So, we did speak for a minute, but it was an awkward conversation during which I wondered the whole time what everyone else was thinking.

Of course men and women do mix here--there is no 100 percent adherence to any cultural norm--and Jordan is not Saudi Arabia, where gender segregation is so strong that women make up only 5 percent of the workforce. However, since I am a foreigner transplanted into a different culture half-way around the world I do not always know which women I am allowed to talk to, and when and where I can talk to them.

Interestingly, though, when I expressed this frustration to a Jordanian friend of mine, to my great surprise, he said he that he had the same problem! He also did not always know with whom it was appropriate to speak, and when and where it was appropriate. He was born here, raised here and lives here still, but the question of gender mixing--and more simply, of the basic friendly greeting on the street--was still difficult for him. He said if he came across the wife of one of his friends outside, he would feel comfortable greeting them. However, that is about all he felt reasonably comfortable with. Instead, the best thing, he said, was just to wait and see if you are greeted first. So, I am trying to do that. I am waiting, and looking forward to one day putting a face to those voices behind the doors.